have you ever been around someone where you feel intense feelings of wanting to be closer to them? to where you want to hold them? that’s some creeper vibes for sure. but why do we get these urges? why do we feel these intense feelings? it doesn’t make any sense.. however i exercise in all things control.. ( you get points if you know where that reference comes from) so i am not good when my mind and body are not aligned. since i am constantly checking myself, i don’t act upon things until i know it’s reciprocated but this is new to me. i haven’t felt like this in so long and its tripping me the fuck out.

its been awhile since i questioned my own feelings the way i am questioning them right now. i’m getting triggered with a lot of mixed emotions by this person and its creating a lot of resistance within myself. i think i’m internalizing a lot of this is because, i hate not being in control of my own feelings when it wants to run off to feel things.

i’m fighting against the feelings, the urges and telling myself to relax. telling myself to not act upon anything because it doesn’t make any sense to me and i’m pretty sure the other person isn’t even aware of this at all. isn’t it crazy how we can meet people and have these intense feelings and the person next to us doesn’t even have a clue? wild.

its been a while since i’ve been triggered in this way and it feels way too familiar and makes me lose all sense of my own control and this is where the internal battles are going down. i mean we are still in mercury retrograde so I know this came back to hit me in the face to test me. I’ve been doing my best to process and think it through. there is a lot of resistance for sure and i can’t wait to process this with my therapist because trying to process this with friends doesn’t make any sense.. i need my therapist deep in my shit for this one.

there is definitely a message and a lesson to be learned here again. definitely not going to repeat patterns and going to grow from this. however i know i feel a something and that something is unclear to me but i know its there and i’m annoyed. also its starting to freak me out but then again this could be because i’ve been so overly stressed and exhausted so my feelings are running loose and crossing over one another and most likely isn’t anything once i can rationalize and compartmentalize things again.

this is apart of life and i’m going to change the process because i am in control of this.

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