Following up with the whole transference thing about missing therapy and not actually my therapist. I just had a session with her and now I realized that it was because.. I wasn’t ready to leave the weekly therapy nest. It was premature (my therapist words) idea to move to bi-weekly and on top of it all.. it was more so influenced by someone else than it truly is my own decision. On top of everything, I think right now is also the worst time for me to be doing bi-weekly because i am dealing with A LOT of changes and shifts. My life went from slow to fast paced in a matter of hours in between therapy sessions.
Negotiations, car accident, started the job the next day. Scheduling errors with training, therapy, chiro, and everything else. I walked into a shit show at work. A lot of cleaning up to do, then its dealing with my car, its trying to fit my training schedule. therapy appointment, chiro appointment and work, work and more work. I don’t feel grounded right now because a lot of the shit thats happening is beyond my own personal control. Its also mercury retrograde. its the revisiting and re-processing. Its the lack of communication and conversations that truly fulfill my heart and soul. Its the lack of depth because I am that INFJ personality type and work talk is work talk. It doesn’t fuel me, it actually drains me more and I can’t breathe.
I didn’t do the work the past year just to end up being one of those robot people who complain and talk about people and their work/jobs. That’s not who I am nor will I ever want to be that. I can’t breathe and the only person who knows my true history of this job is my therapist. She is the only person I can truly talk to about this because she’s gone through it with me when I hit my lowest. I guess parts of me didn’t want to admit that and feel defeated that I couldn’t handle it on my own for a week. It’s definitely a lot. I almost feel like a zombie and I’m not loving that. I’m glad I have a therapist thats chill with whatever I choose .. either or and its safe to say we are back to our weekly routine until I get more adjusted and hopefully things can chill out and life can be more manageable.
I know she isn’t my friend but I know we are equal human beings. I think because I don’t know much about her and knowing its a “safe” space to talk about everything and not be out right “judged” is whats comforting. Its the only golden hour about myself, to unload, to release and to just process and work through shit I’ve been thinking about and noticing. I have a lot of letting go issues right now I feel because I’m afraid of losing myself in this job. I didn’t work this hard the past year to throw it all away.
I don’t want to be a therapy lifer. I want to be able to move on and move forward one day. I want to be able to just give thanks to my therapist for being apart of my life for the time I needed her and call it a day. I don’t know when that will take place but I know its definitely not right now. She’s supposed to be in my life still and I feel that deeply. The day will come when I feel ready to leave the therapy nest. I just hope its not 10 years from now. As much as I don’t want to be a lifer, I wouldn’t mind only seeing her once a month as a tune up like a car because we all need that outlet. Especially you’re someone who strives off intellectual conversations.