transference, a term used more in therapy. most people think the immediate.. oh you have feelings for your therapist…. you can’t stop thinking about them, wanting to be their friend or more. Wanting to see them outside of therapy. well the transference i am feeling towards my therapist isn’t like that at all becuase i am very good at compartmentalizing. however this is hard to explain. this all happened when i decided to move from weekly to biweekly sessions. it was like some weird adjustment period and i tried to schedule a session with her this week because a whole lot of shit happened, including someone hitting my car which now its just sitting cause i can’t drive it. it was a lot of stress, a lot of nonsense , i didn’t know how to cope and really felt like i needed to unload and process.
it was all about to go down until an hour or few minutes before we were suppose to have our session. she had forgotten she had another appointment. human errors, it happens. but honestly i’m fine with it. i’m a very understanding person so it doesn’t phase me. the reason i say this is because it was part of my thought process on how some people would feel some type of way if their therapist had scheduled you and then unschedule you right before.
honestly since my life has completely changed, my therapist and my schedule are clashing so we gotta figure something out. anyways.. back to why you are here. transference…
the thought has been spiraling in my mind as i’ve been trying to make sense of what it is exactly that i am feeling towards my therapist. here the thing though.. the transference feeling that i feel isn’t exactly towards her. its towards therapy. i also have been already trying to figure out who i will approach this topic with her as transference is what made our therapeutic relationship rocky in the beginning. misunderstandings which honestly is a perfect example of texting communication. if you’re new here to my life, i met my therapist off talkspace. then i asked her to take me on as in patient at where she works at. then soon after covid happened. now i see her through the computer. which works for me and maybe one day i will see her in real life again.
i laugh a lot with her, i have a good time in our sessions at times. she makes things light and fun. which is probably not the best way to describe therapy but it just works for me. for so long i fought against the idea of her and kind of discredited her knowledge but a year and some change in deep with her… i know having her as my therapist has helped my growth and secure attachment. however now i question the attachment not really with her but with therapy. i guess i have a lot to process in regards of that.
now i am stressing just a little bit about how to best approach this topic with her.. without her thinking its some romantic transference. i already imagine us laughing about it. because its such a triggered word for me with her. not in a negative way but its just so awkward. anyways, i don’t know her. i know only little things about her and thats the thing.. i’m fine with her. i don’t crave more, i don’t want to know more about her. if i did, then i feel as if i can’t be as open and maybe thats something to explore also. because she is still a stranger and been through shit with me, i don’t care to want to really know her so i enjoy the fact she’s neutral if that makes any sense. i honestly feel my transference is somewhere in the whole i miss therapy area. i think that’s the transference but i have no idea what more but maybe this is where she can chime in and help me figure it out. sure this could be some kind of weird conversation to have but its also parts of me learning how to have these awkward conversations.
i can do hard conversations all day long but when i feel awkward of embarrassed to talk about it.. thats where its tough for me. especially when i don’t want her to take it the wrong way. she’s human and has human emotions as well so.. who the fuck knows. this is where i’m currently at about therapy as my life has gone through so many changes this past week.