“i miss you”

ok the title, no i’m not here to pour my heart out on missing someone. sorry for the let down.

here is the reason why “i miss you” is in air quotes. i realized something just now, like i don’t realize shit every fucking second of the day in this active over thinking brain of mine. as i continue trying to express my emotions out loud and freely, i realized that i don’t openly say “i miss you” to people except to one friend in particular on a weekly basis. actually sometimes even more than once a week. honestly she is probably the only one i say it to frequently.

the thing is…people can tell me they miss me and it weirds me out at times. that’s an unusual response but i’m pretty sure i am not the only one. so i don’t always say it back because i don’t know how to respond. sometimes i will say i miss you too when i feel it in return. so the most interesting thing about this…is that for me to initiate it and be the first one to voice it.. now that’s different.

ok so i know what you might be thinking and don’t be jumping to conclusions, it’s strictly platonic. just an update, still no prime candidates as i am still saving myself for the right person and i am in no rush at all as i continue this growth journey of mine and continuation of building my donation based coaching business/practice.

ok back to it, i believe it’s because there is an understanding and maybe a huge trust and secure attachment maybe? i’m not sure, i’m definitely going to talk to my therapist this week about it along with so many fucking things i want to pick her brain on. sometimes i’m in therapy just to pick her brain.

anyways, i almost want to say it’s because she shows me unconditional love and i genuinely can feel it? no questions asked, no pressure, no nothing and no judgement zone. mature, healthy friendship that just flows? i have so many questions spinning in my head right now but she has shown and taught me… feelings maybe? i’m not one to say “love you” either to friends. its really fucking rare. those words do not come out easy unless its to my dog. i just really do not say i love you at all to people directly. sure i say love you on my posts as a general sense but to direct it to people indivudually… something is going on there with that. thats a whole other post or video content. so i’ve only done the “miss you and love you” when i hit that point in romantic relationships. friendships its real fucking rare.

ok this whole thing is just a trip but i’m sure there is something that is allowing me to feel these emotions and actually relay it out loud. i think this friendship actually means something to me because i actually don’t want to lose this friendship which is also why i actually reach out and try. by now if you haven’t picked up on it, i’m just not one to reach out to people for anything. even my family has to text me and call me because i am just not the one.

yeah that sounds kind of fucked up, i’m going to need to work on that too but this is why i wonder so much why with her i do these things a little bit more naturally? not forced? and its not like i’m over here like reaching out and saying i miss you to keep someone from leaving, trust me i thought about that too but it’s really just that i genuinely do and care about our friendship and them as a person.

not saying i don’t care about people because i do care a lot about everyone but this is different and i can’t seem to put my finger on it yet. i mean we all have different friends for different things. i almost want to say its a friendship where they show they care about me and make sure i am good. all my other friends do to a point but its really shown differently. most the time i am the one there for everyone else, which is why i chose this new career path.

yeah this is going to drive a little bit crazy thinking about it but i shall process this further with my therapist. i almost want to say there is some soul contract thing going on almost.

but i will say this…..i believe a secure attachment has been formed because i am not anxious about them not talking to me or leaving (because we all know i have some sort of abandonment issues) like i am actually perfectly fine with it. so ok i guess a year later therapy has helped with this.

see this is growth. slowly but surely i am forming better relationships, secure relationships. also just learning maybe this is what its about when it comes to meeting someone on my level who reciprocates what i give. huh… now that’s an interesting thought. mutual respect, mutual everything and natural. organic.

i will revisit this after therapy and see what happens.

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