dear y.o.

i know its been a while since i wrote to you but there’s not a day where i don’t think about you. i realized that i haven’t let you go and i still hang on to the guilt of not being there. i didn’t come to this realization until this week in therapy. there’s a huge part of me that feels deeply guilty and i have no words because you’re no longer here.

i miss the memories. i miss your stories, i miss how you were always down for everything. you always stayed up with me, came through when i needed you, just everything. i miss everything about you, the life of the party. i can remember the day we made cupcakes together. i had so much fun with you. i guess i haven’t forgave myself for not showing up when you needed me. i can’t forgive myself for not being there or visiting you.

i know that everything was beyond our control and you’re still a big part of my life. i’ll never forget you. i will visit you when the time is right, i hope you understand. i know i need to let you go. i know i need to not shame myself and let go of all this guilt as well. i don’t know if i’m holding onto the guilt because it’s the last thing left. i know i have to move forward and i know you would want that for me too. i didn’t realize how much of this weight i was carrying until now. thank you for everything. thank you for the love and support always.

i have to learn to let you go, learn to let go of the guilt but you’re forever always in my heart. R.I.P.

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