introvert social anxieties

i have no problem staying at home during this pandemic becuase i’m an introvert. i hate group settings, i hate big gatherings and sometimes i just hate meeting new people.

while the pandemic is still going on this year, its a bit rough to go out. tonight was a night i decided to commit and follow through. most times i’ll back out but because i’ve been at home the past 6 months and barely saw people except through zoom, IG messages and the only people i see in person are my chiro + trainer. i needed actual human interaction.

most times i prefer people i know but tonight there we two strangers in the group. friends of my friends. when i arrived to the parking lot..waiting in my car, i wanted to leave. my anxiety was acting up. there was so many people waiting outside at top golf. my social anxiety was SCREAMING inside.

you would think wearing a face mask would help ease my anxiety by hiding part of my face but.. no. its actually more than that. however at first it was awkward then i just eased into it. was i shaking half the fucking time? YUP. but i know i can manage a very cool and calm demeanor but really i’m about to lose it inside. i know my hands were definitely shakey at one point because i thought it was weird. i think i’ll have to bring that up with my therapist.

normally i would scan the room but top golf is a bit rough to scan the room especially with how businesses now are all changing because of the 6ft apart rules, masks and separation boards.

normally i do not drink but tonight i decided.. why the fuck not. i don’t know when the next time i would be out with people again. two beers in definitely helped ease my anxiety but that doesn’t mean i’m going to go and drink every fucking time. it just takes me a while but i don’t know if this is apart of my growth or what. it was nice to be out. meet new people and call it a night.

i had fun. i think it was very much needed for me. considering i’m a homebody and hermit. now i crawl back to my cave and chill. i’m hoping one day i wouldn’t be this anxious. i do believe because of the pandemic and stay at home order.. made my anxiety of being out in public worse. i’m going to have to work through this now that i’m navigating the world differently.

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