i realized a new growth lately in the love and relationship department. when i was younger and not knowing what codependency was and how toxic it can be. being alone led to loneliness of missing someone to talk to, do things with and share memories with.. all of it. i would jump into another relationship because the opportunity would present it self which really was just another test in patterns from the universe as i reflect back.
i remember i would hate it when i would be hanging out with couples and seeing other couples and stuff. i would look down on myself and hate being single. i would then feel worthless and empty because i didn’t have someone but really though? i was never single for long.
now a days, as much as i am enjoying this alone time, lately, i’ve been feeling off. feeling stagnant and in limbo which is probably causing some depression to come up? or maybe its just my anxiety but anyways on top of that i am beyond exhausted and super tired. all in all doesn’t seem to be go well hand in hand. a bad mixture so it has lead me down a rabbit hole of feeling super alone (when i’m not) and that lead to feeling lonely but not really either. it comes in waves so i’m not too worried about it because at the end of the day i don’t have energy to date. i don’t feel like letting new people into my life right now as i continue my growth. i’m still spending time on myself for myself. honestly, i’m just not ready for someone new friendship or not.
which brings to me my new found growth. now a days i smile whenever i come across couples. or even in movies, i use to want those relatioships or whatever but we now learned they are all codependent so thats a turn off. seeing romance on screen doesn’t hit me the same as it use to. sure its ideal and i know one day i will be able to have that kind of love but just not right now. i’m still healing so i can bring all of me to my future. marriage or not, but to be able to do life with someone would be beautiful.
instead of getting down on myself and wanting a relationship…now a days i just think to myself and wish them the best. i’m happy for them whoever these people are that i see. i send them good vibes, i send all the couples i come across good vibes and i carry on. i know i’ll have my happily ever after one day. as of now i’m not focused on it or worried about it either.