Realizing Sh*t

i constantly feel like i am back at one and starting over all over again. this self work is a full time job on its own and i know i’ve made huge strides and changes this year. i’ve grown and leveled up a lot. the past two months i’ve accomplished more than i ever have for myself than the past 15 years. its no ones fault but my own. i was too busy trying to get my partners at the time to level up with me as i always have done that with every girl i dated. its my fault for seeing their potentials than meeting them where they are at. i wanted more for them but thats not how this works.

i always felt held back and i know a lot of my friends saw that too. i got taken advantage of multiple times and i stayed to do everything i can to fix and make the relationships work. its not my weight to carry. i’m just one person and i can’t be the one to carry everything. i shouldn’t have to. it was definitely codependent, as everyone has those relationships.

i finally learned my pattern and i can’t believe how much i’ve done for myself in just two months! i know i am very capable of doing so much more and i’m going to. i can finally carry out all my plans and build the life i’ve always dreamed of. i still have so much to learn about myself. its not easy but its definitely worth it.

i’ve always known i was picky and set high standards for a reason. lowering expectations got me no where but they all taught me something thats for sure. i’ve always known my worth but again, i don’t know why i gave some of these girls a chance. i don’t even know why i stayed when i truly wasn’t even in it the right way. i ended up in like a parental role with my girlfriends. never really an equal partner with them. super codependent. maybe thats why i haven’t let anyone in because i haven’t met my match yet. also it could be a lot of things. i needed to learn a lot about myself and how i showed up.

life has definitely shifted for me this year and i like that i’m doing a lot for me. its such a weird feeling and the times i do get lonely, i remind myself how miserable i was in my relationships and how alone i felt because not one of them truly showed up for me. it was more headaches than it was love. i guess i never really been in love at this point when i think about it. sure i was “in love” during these relationships but now as i reflect back, thats what i thought what “love” meant. loving myself this year, doing things for myself, counting on myself, controlling and owning my life is love.

the people i surround myself in is love. also another thing i realized is the woman i surround myself in are all pretty dominant and high functioning as well which can also be intimidating to the girls i had dated. i know i’m intimidating to others as well and i didn’t think that could of effected thing but it did. in my circle, its not for the weak. high vibes, real connections, pushing potentials. i need a boss and bad ass woman.

its crazy how all this came to surface this week. my circle and myself.. are we hard to please? perhaps theres a lot of expectations and high standards but it wouldn’t be out of reach with the right one or one that can truly put up the fight to hang/ rise up to the challenge. maybe thats why i’ve always craved more. got turned on by a powerful woman but never pursued because i have my own shit and wasn’t ready. now i’m fucking going in hard when the time comes. then again i don’t want it either right now. i still have so much more work to do for myself in every aspect of my life.

i needed to be let down and disappointed to get to where i am today. i’ve always known this since the get go but i tried and tried. gave people chances after chances to prove themselves but that’s also not how relationships work. i showed up solid and with flaws because no one is perfect. no one has been able to meet me where i am and shown me my potentials. the support was needed on a different level and most of all not one of them truly had my back, no one was truly there for me like i am there for everyone. i can’t expect people to show up the way i do however with my new circle, they do so i know it’s possible. friendship wise, i am very well supported and protected, as for girlfriends? i couldn’t count on any of them and so now i have redirected all of that energy back to me because i am stable. i’ve always been stable, probably the most fucking stable and grounded person they all dated. now i apply that for myself, i don’t need someone to be there just to be there. i want someone who actually wants to be there and actually want to do life together. my standards got even higher but i don’t even think its standards at this point. it’s just knowing what i truly want, deserve and never settling for less.

this all applies not only in relationships but my friendships as well. i’m not one to fuck with because once you fuck up, you are out. i am done and never turning back. cocky much? naw. confident to the point i don’t take bullshit and i don’t deal with fake people. i’m all for real talk and real actions that back it up. those are my people. i’m powerful and intimidating just like my circle. we come loaded and i am very thankful and blessed for them. we continue to grow and level up together. challenge each other to better one another. the here and now.

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