Tears

the only tears i have are from my allergies. crying is apart of release and healing and i don’t think it is a gendered thing. men are raised to not shed a god damn tear and if you are more on the emotional spectrum, you might hide it because you get shamed for it. don’t be a little bitch is probably what we are so use to saying and hearing without really understanding how hurtful that is.

here’s the thing, i use to cry a lot but somewhere i stopped. i haven’t cried in 4 years. the last time i did cry was recently and that was to my ex when our relationship was coming to an end. during those moments, i thought my tears was about the relationship which felt partially true but as i processed those moments and the relationship in general, i cried because i finally broke. i wasn’t crying about her or the loss of the relationship, i was simply releasing everything. releasing the toxic cycles from the past 20 years. releasing the fight, releasing so much tension i had built up in my body.

when i started out my journey after i hit my rock bottom, going through jrni coaching program, i learned, grown, and changed a lot. i think i cried to my ex because all of it came to an end and i was finally able to let it all go. all of my shoulder pain, stiff neck pain went away. i had a huge emotional release for so much i kept inside. it felt fucking amazing. given it was crying to my ex, i’m sure there is a reason behind that but of all people for me to release during the loss is such a weird timing. anyways i guess i have her to thank for that even though i wasn’t really crying over her and the break up. i thought i was crying the loss of her but i’m sure it was cause it was everything i needed to let go of and welcome all the new positive changes.

i guess in other words its like.. all the fucking hard work i put in was paying off through the struggles type of release tears. well that was pretty much the last time i was able to shed real tears. here my eyes only tear up because of allergies. i want to get to that point where i can cry and release because i feel the tension build up in my neck again (or it could be from all the training i’ve been doing) who knows but trust me, i am doing everything i possibly can to cry and its just not happening. maybe the times i cry has to truly be life altering or something.

all i know is crying sure does release a lot in our bodies and is very healing. i don’t know when its going to happen again but i’ll welcome it. as for now, i can’t force it either, maybe i have a blockage somewhere who knows.

if you feel like crying, cry. if you feel upset, be upset. if you feel anger, fucking be angry. feel all of your emotions. they exist for a reason. we need to feel them and let them do its thing to enter and exit our bodies. trapping them inside not only causes physical damage but mental damage as well. everything is linked together.

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