Alone

I posted a shorter version on my instagram because you know 2200 character limit so i figured I come and expand on this more in depth here.

Doing life alone can sound sad, lonely and scary. 

I’m someone who has been in relationships since I was 16. I didn’t really have long breaks in between each relationship. Some happen really quickly right after. I was young and afraid of being alone so I never took time to heal and process after each relationship ended. Plus I feel healing and processing is something we grow and learn to do as we get older. While some ended really badly, well actually now I think back, all of them ended badly. I mean for real though, when do relationships ever end on good notes???

Here we are today, finally broken that cycle at the age of 33, I do have to give thanks those that hurt and left me. I don’t need to reflect back on what I could have done differently to fix things because I’m a fixer and I believe in trying everything to make it work. I know I gave all of them the best I fucking got to save the relationships, even when they were toxic as i reflect back but who fucking knew when we were younger right? 

I know I’m as solid and secure as they come, I’ve always been. I’m the stability and rock in my relationships which is why I always came off as the “strong” one. I’m good for it and good on my word because I bring the table, chairs, utensils and a whole ass buffet. It sucks that through the years, I lost sight of that when people just keep taking and taking. I’m not perfect and I sure as hell fuck up too. I’m fucking human and I got feelings too. I am a helper, giver and fixer and I know I’ve always given a lot more than what people truly deserve. I’m the mother fucker people count on being there at all hours of the day. If i can’t be there physically, I’m fucking right there on the fucking phone or driving to be there depending on the situation.

My circle is small and it got smaller. Depth, emotional intelligence and self awareness are my non-negotiable. I need real shit, people who keep it 100, open and honest. Ones that can have hard conversations, able to hold space and actually hear/see me. Pure understanding through unforced connection. People that don’t bail when shit gets rough. Ones I can count on to have my back. Most of all people who show the fuck up with vulnerability and responsibility. People take have power to take ownership when they truly fuck up and fix it and not by apologizing with bandaids. Action speaks louder than words.

I’ve given so much energy, time and myself to the wrong ones. For once being alone has been the best fucking thing I’ve ever gifted myself. Hands down. I’m saving myself for the right ones. When my love cup overflows, that’s when I can give and love again but for now, I love it here with just ME. I’ve found peace and happiness through this experience as I continue to grow and evolve to a better me.

I mean hey, it took me 33 years to get here, to finally be confident with myself in what I bring. I bring so much and offer so much from my heart. I know I’m one hell of a good man. This isn’t being cocky or thinking/saying I’m better than everyone else, this is knowing exactly what I truly deserve because I know my worth. I’ve always known my truths but people striped them away and it was my fault for letting them. I guess its why I’ve always had high standards for myself. Partial probably passed down from parents because the way I was raised but I ended up settling for less because so many times I’ve gotten hated on, shamed for having high standards/expectations.

Expectations can lead us down a dark rabbit hole but I don’t think there is anything wrong with high expectations when we live a certain way. While I think sometimes setting high expectation can be a true test in seeing your own potentials. If we maximize ourselves the right way, we can get there and reach them, so can others but I think this becomes dangerous as we can’t always expect people to get there or reach that level. Expectations can always create a lot of disappointments but maybe when it comes to love and relationships, it actually helps weed the weak out? Who the fuck knows. This is a whole other subject that I wish to not process or engage in for this post.

Now owning my shit and saying I deserve the best because I’m fucking worth everything. It took this long to realize meeting my needs is not asking for too much or being needy. My standards, my needs were simply just not met. Honestly with what I am asking for in a relationship is really not all that much but can be for people who don’t know themselves or people who just simply aren’t on the same path or possess the same energy. At the end of the day, I honestly just haven’t come across someone who is secure enough with themselves, strong enough to give and honestly just match my overall energy. 

I hate to say it but for the past 15+ years of dating and being around so many people, I have never felt so alone then I do actually being alone right now. I’ve never felt more complete and fulfilled until now. I got my own back, I am handling things fully as myself. I am reconnecting back to myself and it feels amazing. It’s also great not having to worry about someone else wondering if they are ok, making sure their shit is handled or wahtever. I honestly am just so spent and don’t have that energy to give at that capacity for the time being. I’m tapped out for that portion and really just loving and enjoying being by myself, doing life alone. Technically not fully alone becuase i have an amazing circle who fulfill the parts of me that makes me feel seen/heard. My circle supports me, evolves with me, grows with me. What more could a man ask for right now?

The big question I know you might wondering is if I feel or get lonely. The answer to that is no. I have so much I want to do, I have amazing conversations that fulfill that part of me, I don’t have to answer to anyone or consider someone right now and thats so freeing. I spent the past nearly 20 years helping, sticking around these relationships that I just don’t have anything left to give so of course I’m not going to feel lonely. I’ve done so much growing and evolving that I don’t even have a void that needs to be filled.

Now I honestly have time to just fully dive into me, live my life the way I’ve always wanted. I’m not going stop living my life for someone. I know thats not how relationships work and honestly of all the people I dated, I had to slow down so much and I felt so held back in all of my relationships because they kept me busy with their shit. I helped them so much, gave them everything and then some. Also my own fault for allowing that too.

Take it from me, as someone who was scared shitless of being alone, now sure does love this peace and quiet. Being alone and doing life alone really isn’t bad, its fucking awesome and the day I meet my match wherever/whoever they are, its going to be fucking beautiful.

I know my other half is out there and we will be two whole ass people coming together. Not halves forming into one whole because thats not it. Two whole people coming together to continue to grow and evolve together. Having each others back, supporting one another fully, motivating each other to level up. Oh! I am just beyond excited for that day. Until then, I’m happy here with just me. This has been the best time so far and I know its just only going to get better from here on out. Sure there will be some set backs and down days and I welcome that. This is life and i’m glad shit went down the way it did and I have all my exes to thank. I’ve always been a pretty good man with my flaws added but now I’m an even better man than before. I will continue to strive, grow and evolve and I will meet her there one day and we will just take off running and change the fucking world together.

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