New Love

i found new love in country music.. which is really fucking weird coming out of me. i was never one into country music but i know its definitely hitting me in my feels. it just hits differently and in some weird ways its healing to hear these “love” songs and it also brings me back down in the sense of feeling grounded.

something about the love shared is beautiful, especially the wedding ones.. it excites me for my future Mrs. Grey, which i know i won’t meet her for a while as i’m continuing on bettering myself, my life, my future for myself. instead of two halves become whole, i know she will be whole, as i will be too so we can come together as strong individuals.

the crazy part of all of this is when i was younger.. my all time favorite songs were these two:

the crazy part is that, i bought that single cd from tim mcgraw and i want to say it was also part of healing process back then with my failed relationships too.

i’ve definitely learned a lot as i reflect back on all of my relationships the past 15+ years, which is why i am not in a rush to date or even think about dating. for once in my life, i am perfectly fine and content with that. i guess i’ve given so much of my energy and time to relationships that i simply have nothing else left to give. i don’t have it in me right now and on top, i also don’t want to answer or worry about someone else other than myself. confident enough to say that i’ve definitely broke my pattern and i feel like this is where i am suppose to be right now. taking all the time i need to heal and focus on myself. all of these relationships had to have happened for me to get here.

i’ve definitely endured and gone through a lot the past few relationships. so much consumption that i’m just drained and i’m not even turned on about relationships or love right now at least not with someone else. i don’t miss it. i don’t crave it. i don’t want it. i know that i don’t want anything at all for a while. i don’t feel empty or the need to fill a void because i actually don’t have one. as far as feeling lonely, i don’t feel that either. i guess what my most recent relationship has taught me was, i rather be alone than be with someone who wasn’t even there. i’m at a point in my life where i am fulfilling my needs and wants the way that i want and know that i deserve.

i’m in the here and now and doing all of this for me because i know my worth and will never settle for less. that was my problem, was settling for so long, carrying all the baggages they had and it shouldn’t even be like that. i value my time, i value my worth because i know i’m different with the way i love and care. i know i’m worth fucking everything. i value my well-being and this is all about me right now and continuing on bettering myself for my future.

honestly though something with all these country songs makes me so excited for my future wife and kids. i know i’m going to be the best husband i can be and the greatest dad of all times. at the same time with all these songs below, including the heart breaking ones, allows me to also be perfectly fine with being alone for the rest of my life because all the love i have in my heart, i’ve gave throughout the years and now i’m very careful with who i give my heart and love to. i’m not against it if it were to happen but i also know its not my time to be dating or falling in love. i actually feel very proud of myself for being here and actually being able to say this out loud to people with a smile. that is growth and progress, hands down and i’m fucking proud of myself.

i think as i’m on this healing journey from my old patterns, country music has brought me the most peace and most healing. i mean that tim mcgraw song came out in 1999, and i would have that shit on repeat. fast forward to 2020, Dan + Shay – Speechless is like my replacement for it. This song has been so healing since i heard it on my first ride on peloton. i fell absolutely in love with it. sure its a wedding video but it just brings me so much peace and joy. seeing the first look, the walk down the aisle, the kiss, the excitement of becoming mr and mrs…

i know i will be so proud and happy on my wedding day. she is going to get the best of me in a few years as i am working my ass off to sort through my shit and breaking cycles, breaking patterns, breaking it all down so i can be 100% whenever i meet my future mrs. grey. wherever she is in the world right now…i’m already so in love and i can’t wait to turn around and see you for the first time in that wedding dress. i know i’ll weep like a baby knowing i’m so lucky to have someone like you. excited to start a family with you.. but before we cross paths, i know i have a lot more work i need to do on myself with healing, with growth, and with my future/career. i’m going to make it big baby with all of my dreams.

i have a lot to thank to this song right here… it has allowed me to heal and let go of my pasts, it has allowed me to fall deeply back in love with myself. it has brought me so much peace and joy. it also allowed me to get in touch with my inner deep rooted emotions of wanting marriage, wife and kids, something i am definitely looking forward to. something that i’ve always truly wanted. this song has truly connected me back to my younger self and the way i’ve always viewed love and relationships. i guess i was never sure with everyone i’ve spent time with nor did i truly bring it up with past relationships because i knew they weren’t the one. sure all my relationships all talked about marriage but none of them were my “one” because i felt forced to agree and i felt like i was settling. not the best feelings one should have when it comes to marriage.

i’ve always known how i should be feeling when the day comes and i haven’t felt that yet so…(below there is a video after speechless, titled “a letter to my future husband” but here is my version to my future wife)

to my future wife, i can’t wait to meet you, wherever you are in the world. i guess what i’m really doing aside from working on myself and my future is that i’m actually saving myself until i meet you. i’m filling my heart back up with so much love and as soon as it is overflowing, i know you’ll be there to receive it and i’ll be able to show and give you everything and more. my future wife, my future kids role model, i don’t know who you are or know where you are but i just know i’m deeply in love with you already and i’m going to love the family we create and raise together. i am beyond ecstatic to meet you because i know the moment we do, it’s going to be beautiful. i can’t wait to look into your gorgeous eyes and see that stunning smile of yours.

so much feelings, healings and story alone with this one song.. how fucking crazy is that? good ole dan and shay’s speechless – wedding video, who would of thought!? also, i’ve been wanting to write a blog post about this song for a while now but i haven’t found the right words to say because i was still in the middle of clouded judgement, given i did “dedicate” this song to someone who honestly didn’t deserve it at all. at the end of the day, this song means so much more to me and its going to stay with me forever. i had trashed the other two posts because it didn’t feel right nor did it align but tonight, it just all came out perfectly. this song brought so much to me in my healing and also made me so excited for my future too. the happiness that fills in my heart pours over and allows me to smile. simply beautiful and since it brought so much joy, healing, and so much strength so i want to dedicate this song to everyone who needs it.

well let’s move on to more country songs! below are a few more that hits me in the feels too….

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