Proud

i graduated today from my coaching program. its such a bitter sweet moment and day. the past two weeks i felt off and felt sad. not knowing how i would feel today. i was sad that things were coming to an end and i wasn’t sure how i’d handle the loss. it felt like i was facing another loss in my life because i have invested and spent the past 21 sundays with these amazing people. i spent the past 6 months growing by connecting and really diving deep within myself with these hard conversations. who would of thought that half a year went by so fucking fast.

here’s the thing about graduations. since we were younger it was like this huge celebration right? well with the pandemic and this being an online course and i’m in my 30’s, i haven’t really received a congrats today and its a weird feeling. sure i’ve heard it from my classmates and a few alumni’s and i’m not discrediting that at all but it really made me think and take the time to process and reflect. today is huge for me. this course has been life changing for me. maybe thats why i’m struggling a little bit about this and just like the conversation i had today after the graduation with a classmate, i’ve never been someone who would pat myself on the back and say i’m proud of myself.

it definitely feels so weird to say it but i am truly proud of myself. taking the time to slow down and sit with this feeling has been a weird one. the people i thought were going to be here when this course ended aren’t. the new friendships i’ve formed during this process has taught me a lot about relationships. most of all going through this process during a pandemic has truly changed my life. so yeah i am fucking proud of myself.

i did this. i accomplished this for ME. i found myself, i found whats its like to live in the moment. i’ve grown so much, built deep connections that i didn’t realize its what has been missing in my life. just a couple months ago i come to realize that i didn’t need someone in my life to be happy. happiness definitely comes from within as cliche as that sounds. now that i’m on this side of life, its sad to see so many unhappy people, its sad to see the codependency that happens in relationships. its that moment again for me where i don’t need to hear congrats from anyone but myself. i fucking put in the work, i pushed myself to have hard conversations, i faced my emotions and pushed myself to be vulnerable. i showed up differently not only for others but i finally showed up for me. i did all the things for myself and i’ve never felt better.

these are truly bitter sweet moments but i’m happy. i’m proud of myself with how much growth i’ve done in the past 6 months. now onto bigger and better things to change the fucking world. maybe its true what they say about success being a lonely road but its not lonely when you got yourself.

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