we don’t always have control of life shit. as much as we want to but we can’t. shit happens and sometimes all we can do is sit back and let it take us to where we need to be. let it unfold with the lessons or blessing it has to offer. i think everyone knows this and maybe we need a reminder and that is… we definitely can’t control people unless you’re one who can easily be controlled… then we would have to take a look at that. most people at the end of the day can’t be controlled because people are going to do what they want, when they want, how they want at whatever cost. sometimes it becomes a mistake and filled with some regrets especially when you set the people around you on fire and burn those bridges. we end up hurting the ones that’s been helpful and kind. hey, lets not do that yeah? let’s be better than that..WE are better than that! lets create change and set a better example for our future. we are all humxn and we all got feelings, so lets not hurt one another but love each other. i believe we could all use more compassion.
here’s what i’ve learn to love and enjoy.. which is sitting back with some popcorn and watching life unfold for myself and for others. today was one of those days where i realized i didn’t speak up the times i raised my eyebrows about a situation my friend was talking about. i can’t give spoilers and i’m not here to feed them answers or anything. i actually let it unfold for themselves and its actually really awesome to watch their mind get blown. maybe this is the “coaching” side of things. it feels good to watch people come to this conclusion themselves or admit shit, own up to their shit all by themselves. its truly powerful and very satisfying to witness.
maybe thats what my therapist feels when i be making big moves. as i am not forcing shit to happen, living in the present times and going off of how my mood/feelings are, being in-tuned, knowing when to rest and chill has been very healing and powerful for me. 20+ years of neglecting myself, muscling through emotions and tasks, because i took on the unasked responsibility of being the “strong one”. this pandemic slowed me down so much that it got real fucking uncomfortable. i was losing my shit. sure there are times i still hate the slowness. i thought i was pretty patient before but now, definitely learning how to be even more patient with myself. i give other people so much chances, slack and grace when i don’t even do that for myself.
all this sitting and chilling, letting life guide and take me where i need to go and be has been pretty fucking amazing. also really deep diving and stepping into ME has been very peaceful and empowering. i know there is still so much unfolding that will happen but i’m appreciating the silence and calmness right now. i don’t need to answer to anyone, i don’t need to care or worry about anyone else, i don’t have to love anyone else right now but myself and emma (my great dane). sure i love my friends and family too but right now i’m really just focusing on myself for once. 15+ years of shitty relationships will do that to you and also, hey universe, thanks for the lessons and i’ve been knowing these patterns but this time, i’m putting all that energy back into myself. i know you will send someone my way and test me again but i’m going to make you so proud because i’ve made up my mind and right now for the next 2-5 years, i know i need to focus on myself for bettering me, my life and my future without distractions. well… maybe i could settle down somewhere around the 3/4 year mark if you’d like to send me my life partner but maybe i wouldn’t even want to meet them at that time either.
i’m very content with the idea of being alone for the next 2-5 years, which is really fucking weird to say but i truly need a fucking break from these energy drainers and soul suckers. i think i’m 80% sure they all needed me more than i needed them. i definitely learned my lessons in all of them and a lot about myself. i mean its gotten me to where i am today. i wouldn’t be the man that i am without all the experiences.
i’m excited to see how my life will unfold for me but mean while during this pandemic, i’m here in the now. still working on myself daily. healing all my past traumas, taking care of myself and emma only. fuck everyone else right now. i don’t have time nor energy unless they are in my inner circle who actually know boundaries, who actually care about my well-being. my new found healthy friendships who actually lift me up. thats what i’m fucking all about now. i’m also putting in the work daily to build my future and i’m not forcing or rushing it either. doing what i can day by day and knowing when to step back and away when time and space is needed to chill so i can get myself grounded. things will all fall into place at the right time, i know it. i feel it.
2020 has been a shit show for many but its truly changed my life for the better. i quit my job literally a few weeks before the pandemic hit. i was so lost in myself, i lost my relationship, i lost my values, my goals, my visions. i didn’t know who the fuck i was, i forgot who i’ve always been, i didn’t know what i was doing. i lost complete control of myself and my life. now we are headed into August and i’ve gained clarity. i’ve gained momentum, i’ve gained feelings and knowing how to feel, i’ve gained how to be vulnerable, i’ve gained how to show up for the right people, i’ve gain acknowledgement, i’ve gained confidence. it took me losing almost everything to find myself, when really i’ve always been here. the beast within myself i’ve never honored. now more than comfortable in my own skin than ever, i’m living inside out and growing and becoming a better man by the minute. let me rephrase that, to be an even better man by the minute because i’ve always had a heart of gold, lived a pretty pure life, i’ve gotten lost in peoples darkness. its not all their fault either but i’m not going to shit on myself anymore because of other peoples insecurities. i know i’m 100 and give people more than that or what they deserve. i’m one of a fucking kind. i’m meant to be somebody, i feel it in my bones and to the core of me that i’m going to change the world. i’m so ready for everything. its not going to be fucking easy but i know i’ll overcome it all. this is growth, this is stepping into me and my powers. i am in control of my own life, my own feelings, my own boundaries, my own future and i’m unstoppable. i couldn’t have asked for a better year. time to fucking rise the fuck up for my damn self. make every fucking day count.