sadness

Currently sitting with sadness. I’m trying to dive into sadness and its definitely a new one. I’m not even sure how to sit with my own sadness. Why do I feel sad? I know that I’m not hurt. My heart got broken in the worst fucking way but I’m not sad or hurt. I’m not sad that they left either but really I’m the one that ended up leaving at the very end of it all. I left with my head held high because I did the most and gave it all I got and then some. So why do I have this sad feeling? I know I’m sad for them, I feel very sad for them. That’s not even my own sadness that I feel. I just feel so so sad for them. This doesn’t matter because feeling sadness for them really doesn’t matter. It’s wasted energy and emotions. Time to redirect it back to myself….

I ask myself again, why do I feel sad? Am I sad that it ended? No because I’m actually glad it ended. It needed to be done. Am I sad that I didn’t make a difference? Not sure if I did or not but that actually doesn’t matter. I’m sure I did make an impact but it probably won’t go noticed until later in life. Am I sad they didn’t choose me? No because it was just obvious where she was headed. I knew the moment I started coaching her through my own break up. I knew where it was going. I think thats why I was able to separate my feelings and let go without feeling hurt. How she handled it was sloppy but that was also expected, I definitely wasn’t surprised. I pretty much was prepared for the final impact. You might ask why did I stay? I chose to stay to let it play out for them. I chose to stay because I also knew this was a learning moment on how I showed up. Its a bit hard to explain which I’ll save for another day.

Again, why the fuck do I feel sad? I definitely don’t feel sad or sorry for myself thats for damn sure. I feel pretty fucking amazing and more centered and grounded for once. So why do I feel sad… I gave myself anxiety thinking about I’m going to end up alone, single forever but when I truly sat here and thought about that, I would feel even worse and miserable if I had continued on the path I was on. I was settling and was unhappy so I’m glad I am alone. Maybe I’m sad that its taken me this long to get to where I am. Actually a bit upset too. I know I feel sad but I don’t feel empty. Am I sad because I’m moving on? Am I sad that I left them behind?

I’m not sad I left them behind to move on. Here’s what happened as I was trying to sit with my feels with this and honestly… I’m lucky to have the friends that I do at all hours of the day for me. I am one lucky mother fucker. Each and everyone of them show up at the right times. My friend and I currently still on facetime as I am writing this…I realized why I am sad. We spent today reminiscing our past and how the next time I see her, we should revisit the places we use to go all the time. So as we continue talking, now we are both grabbing snacks and as I watch her while waiting for my burrito to finish up in the microwave…and I saw how happy she is with her life. That pure joy, I could see and feel through the phone…She’s been through a lot this past year too and seeing how she’s so happy after all that she has gone through and how she met someone amazing for her recently… hit me why I am sad.

I’m sad because for once in my life… I am actually really happy with myself, happy with my life and it didn’t involve someone in my life.

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