lost & found

As I reflect back the past couple years of my life in comparison to where I am today… I definitely was lost. Here in present time, I am found. These feelings of peace and alignment reminds me of the times I use to be intune with my spiritual side. Back in the day when I was into zen and taoism, karma balance of good and bad, thats when my aura was glowing, felt and seen. The deep connections I feel with people makes my hairs stand up. I miss that and here we are today where I feel it amplified. Maybe this is where I need to be.. in this zone of clarity and peace. Letting go of all the toxins, letting go of all the bad energy that I actually feel dizzy and super tired lately. I’m cleansing. I feel like I am going through a detox or something. Well actually that kind of makes sense as I am typing this.

10+ years ago, I’ve always told myself and others that I wanted to a live a pure and honest life. Well I guess I was put through the ringer on that one considering the fact that I got side tracked. Since then shit kept happening. Life fuckery lessons and thats okay because I actually needed it. A lot of people came in and out of my life through the years, tested my patiences and pushed me to my limits. It was definitely a huge detour the past.. 15 years I want to say. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for all that mess. Hell, I can’t believe I even handled some of it while in college. Shows that I am capable of a lot of bullshit being tossed at me. This is why I know I’m a very high-functioning individual.

This recent mishap though… really brought me back to me. It’s time for some fucking healing. Processing all my past problems and learning from them so my next will be hopefully.. the one where we both can be constantly growing and evolving to our higher selves together. A man can hope and dream right? Who knows but anyways, you would think that after all the shit I’ve been through from my past, it would turn me cold but I would never. I mean there is already lack of kindness in this world. I’m not doing it because of that but because it would be out of my own character. The only mask I ever worn is the “strong” mask. Other than that I am a shitty liar so no point in trying. Open and honest is my life motto. Hurt me with your truth, I”ll respect you more. The more lies people tell, the more you are hurting your damn self cause the truth will always come to light. Thats why they always say the truth will set us all free.

Now that I feel like my higher self, I’ve never felt better. I feel everything is all falling into place day by day and it makes so much sense. It’s been hard but not at the same time if that makes sense. Little by little as each day goes by, I am feeling better. I know that I will take a few steps back somewhere along the way because thats the nature of this and I’m looking forward to it.

Growth happens all over the place when we push ourselves and live in that discomfort zone. Its fucking scary but its sooooo rewarding and I can’t believe how different I feel within a short amount of time. I’ve been working my ass off for the past year and doing the actual work. I think with the help of my classmates and those type of genuine connection.. really helped move me forward and up. Talking about my feelings and trying to be vulnerable, all of it is still fucking hard but I am doing it and I have my people to thank for that too. I think because I’ve never done it or seen it being done in a healthy way, I wasn’t able to do it. Now that I have in a lot of healthy relationships where I feel safe to share, I’m truly stepping into me.

Everything feels fucking amazing. While there is still apart of me that is grieving. Thats a process in itself but I think i fear more for them and feel bad for them. It makes me really sad to be honest. As much as I wish I could take everyone with me on these highs and wins.. I can’t. Especially ones that don’t want it. Again. I walked away knowing I gave it all I got and more so I don’t look back and feeling like shit. I am fucking golden. I know I am a good man. I will continue to thrive. No more negativity, set backs and roadblocks.

I know now that I require friendships or relationships to add to my life and not take away. The only way to go form here is up together. Constant growth together. I feel happy and excited for life again. Making moves everyday for my future and for my higher self. I”m getting there and I will get there.

We all can get there. Do the work and put in the fucking work!

This shit ain’t easy and ain’t for the weak. If you want it bad enough, you will fucking put your head down and do it. No distractions. Get rid of toxic people. You will slowly step back and see who is real and who isn’t as you elevate yourself. Trust me.

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